Monday 24 February 2014

Battle Report: Escape from El Catrase - Prologue & Deployment

I know that you are an astute reader. You just look astute.

No, really. You do. Go and admire your astuteness in the mirror. This can wait.

Back so soon? It was almost as if you opened the dictionary and turned to Astute. There was a picture of you.

And because you're an astute reader, you probably worked out from the nature of the pictures in my previous blog post that it was not just a scenario.

It was, in fact, a battle report.

The game was with one of my two nearest oldhammerers: one Jeff McC, of Portsmouth. Okay, he has more name than that, but I've not revealed it all just in case MI5 locate him and confiscate his old lead. You'll recognise him as Jeff McC on the oldhammer forum. Well, you will now, given that I've just told you.

Perhaps we should have a prologue, hmmm?

***

Prologue: The Escape from El Catrase


Tzeentch opened the door. "Khorne! You made it!"

"Wouldn't miss this gig for the worlds! You won't believe what I've cooked up!" Khorne pushed past Tzeentch. "'Sup, ladies!" he barked at Nurgle. "Oh. No Slaanesh yet?"

"Hey, hey - it's everyone's favourite Khorne-dog!" Nurgle purred, slipping slightly as the arm of the chair he was ensconced in finally rotted away. "I just got the board out! Oh boy - you brought some Skulls!"

Khorned winked down at Nurgle. "Wouldn't be games night without 'em!"

The bag melted under Nurgle's gentle administrations, allowing the Skulls to tumble onto the table, a part of which formed into a bowl just as Tzeentch walked in. "C'mon Nurgle! I just got that chair!"

"S'not my fault your stupid chairs only last for a hundred thousand years! You gotta stop buying shit at Eyekea! Happens every time I come over." Nurgle stuffed a fistful of Skulls into his mouth, crunching indignantly.

"Ah, that'll be Slaneesh, then," Tzeentch pronounced, as a multi-coloured arm materialised from the wall before him and pointed to the door. "Don't touch anything else, Nurgle!"

Tzeentch returned with Slaanesh in tow. "Good! We're all here!"

"New 'do?" Nurgle said, bits of Skull drizzling from his mouth.

"Yes, actually," Slaanesh titivated, flicking his hair. "Glad you noticed. It's the day of Saint Valentine around about now, so I thought I'd do something with the colours of disappointment: dates not turning up, finding out your life partner is gay - you know, that sort of thing. I like how it turned out."

"I'd imagine finding out your deity is gay is quite disappointing too?" Khorne muttered.

"I think you'll find my satisfaction ratings are high on both sides of the fence - higher than yours all round, actually," Slaanesh quipped back. "Let me guess," he said, looking into the peculiar bowl, which tipped itself towards him as he leaned over. "Skulls! Originality must be your middle name, Khorne! Oh wait, I forgot - it's Dick!"

"I thought you quite liked dicks? What did you bring, anyway?"

"I don't like them enough to lick my own, though." Slaanesh took his seat opposite Khorne. "I brought some cucumber juice."

"Cucumber juice?" Tzeentch raised his eyebrow. "No fancy dispair-of-finger-nails-being-dragged-down-a-chalk-board-remixed-with-Miley-Cyrus-sings-polka-triple-filtered-through-tax-return-frustration-and-distilled-over-a-thousand-years?"

Slaanesh shrugged. "I thought of that, but we've sort a done that before. Any of you had cucumber juice before?"

The other gods shrugged and shook their heads.

"See? New experience all round. Simple cucumber juice! I see the board's all set up?"

"Yep," Nurgle said. "Picking up where we left off the last time."

"Remind me again?" Tzentch said, sitting down opposite Nurgle.

"So you had a Community Chest card, which you played on the half-orc." Nurgle looked at the card and read it aloud:



Lusty and Late

Play this card against any one opponent's playing piece to cause that piece to miss a turn.



"Yeah, I remember now," nodded Tzeentch.

"So, the half-orc-" Nurgle started.

"Gromeo," insisted Slaanesh.

"-Gromeo - was under Slaanesh's control, but that's caused him to miss his turn. Which makes it Khorne's to go."

"Boom!" barked Khorne, slamming a card down onto the board. "Double move, bitches!"

Slaamesh rolled his eyes. Tzeentch picked the card up and peered at it. "Okay, so what're you going to do?"

"I'm dropping this orc army on Gromeo's arse, is what I'm doing!"

"You're such a pussy, Khorne!" Slaanesh scowled.

"Yeah? Well, you know what pussies do to people don't you? They f-"

"I know what they do, yes," Slaanesh interrupted. "But never having seen one, I bet you don't!"

"C'mon guys," Nurgle admonished. "Go on, Khorne. Roll the dice..."

***

Jeff swallowed nervously. He considered the door and pondered the various different ways the next few minutes could play out.

"Ahem," he knocked. Softly, if he was honest about the thing. May as well look respectful.

Nothing happened. He could just make out some low moaning and a giggle.

"Um, sir?" he tried again, this time a little louder. Jeff shook his head. He couldn't really understand the desire to use these idiotic human titles. Sir? It sounded weak. At least, it did when he said it. When Gromeo said it, it sounded amazing! He just had, well, a way of saying it.

"Excuse me, Sir!" Jeff tried again, this time thumping the door.

"What is it?" a luxurious baritone demanded. "I'm busy!"

"Sir? Sir! We need to get out of here!"

"I'm not even in her! What are you on about? I'm not about to leave now!"

"Not her! Here!" Jeff croaked, hoarse with frustration. "We need to get out of here!" He pressed his ear to the door, barely catching another giggle.

After much creaking, groaning, grumbling and swearing, Jeff heard a sound that he approved of: the heavy thump of Gromeo's steps towards the door. What the little goblin chief had not anticipated was the door launching open at such a speed that he would have no time whatsoever to react.

The full force of Gromeo's considerable frustration slammed into Jeff's forehead through the medium of the brass doorknob. Jeff Leppard, Grand Nobbe of the Tripe Valley horde of goblins in the command of Roland Stones, 2nd in commnand to Gromeo himself, landed unceremoniously in the mud.

Jeff's jaw dropped in horror as he gazed up at the vast green bulk that was Gromeo. He appeared to be unclothed, but chins covered his belly and his belly covered, well, up to his knees. He watched Gromeo's face crack into a savage grin.

"It's Gromraaz!" Jeff stammered.

"And what, pray tell young Jeff, is a Gromraaz? And perhaps even more importantly, why in the name of all things holy and unholy - and that, let me tell you, is a great many names indeed - did you see fit to interrupt me for it?"

Jeff swallowed again. Gromeo's voice was soft and his face was as gentle as any visage might be when presented on a morbidly obese half-orc. His fear was that Gromeo was one of those commanders that was all calm and serene on the outside and the most depraved of savages on the inside. So far, nothing had happened in the force by way of extreme discipline, which caused a nervous terror amongst the entirety of the greenskin contingent - how could he enforce discipline without outward, obvious and regular displays of violence? Jeff had no plans to discover what it was that Gromeo did. Now was not the time anyway.

"Gromraaz the Poet!" Jeff ejected "He's on his way here!"

Gromeo's eyes roamed the pre-dawn sky as he contemplated the name.

"Minorca?" Jeff prompted.

"Ah," Gromeo grinned. "Good times, Minorca..."

"Gromraaz don't seem to think so! He's coming in force! Looks like he wants to take El Catrase!"

"Is that so?" Gromeo said, scratching his chin. "I s'pose I can't rely on your retards to manage that. Better safe than sorry, eh? Get my chariot ready, then!"

Finally! thought Jeff, the idiot is seeing sense. Jeff winced as he gazed up at Gromeo's considerable belly. "And your clothes, Sir?"

"Oh. Good point, young Jeff," Gromeo chuckled, looking down on himself. "Don't want little Gee to get cold now, do we. Ben? Ben! BEN!" he shouted.

Another goblin scrambled into view. "Yes Sir?"

"Get my chariot ready. Jeff here needs to help me to get dressed!"

"Yes Sir!" Ben Jovey confirmed, before racing into the darkness.

The colour drained from Jeff's face. "Dre... dressed, Sir?"

"Come on, you," Gromeo hummed, hefting poor Jeff up by his throat.

***

Deployment




Look! A table! Every deployment should have one. We are facing north (so the closest table edge is South, see?).

And some pictures of things... deployed. Y'know. Cos its deployment.

This is the Chaos camp.

Gromeo and his Goblin Guard occupy El Catrase

Agatha and Christie, two of Gromeo's many squeezes...

The southern deployment of the orcs...

Their northern deployment...

Their western deployment.

The field, as seen from the east.

Jeff, already totting up victory points in his head...

Explanation of the Chaos deployment.

Explanation of the Orc & Goblin deployment.

A thousand words....


...and the extended explanation of the Orc & Goblin deployment, because my camera couldn't fit all the little buggers in...
Next time on Warhammer For Adults: will Gromeo defy the mighty horde of Gromraaz? Will either side's trolls pass their stupidity test? How will Agatha and Christie escape the field with so many goblins around?

All this and more in the next exciting instalment of The Escape from El Catrase!




Tuesday 11 February 2014

A Scenario: The Escape from El Catrase

Long time readers may remember everybody's favourite ladies-orc, Gromeo, and the remarkable sense of humour expressed by the gods of chaos towards him.

Dear reader, I am well aware how many of you wished you had a Gromeo in your force. How often you fantasise about his tactical genius, his jovial leadership style and his titanic half-orcliness. How you might guide his unique talents on the table, if only you had some sort of scenario where you might be able to field him.

Well, rejoice, one and all, for a scenario has been thought of! One which is all about young Gromeo and his curious force. A scenario which describes a young half-orc general satisfying one of his many appetites, as only one of his grandiosity and rank should. Well, okay, not describing the actual satisfaction - heaven forbid! Rather, the scenario lays out what might happen when said young general is caught - literally and figuratively - with his trousers down.

Ladies and gentlemen, Warhammer for Adults presents The Escape from El Catrase, a scenario for the 3rd edition of Warhammer Fantasy Battles.

Scenario: The Escape from El Catrase


So Gromeo has been caught with his trousers down. He has been located in the coaching stop of El Catrase on the north-south road between Sheepless and Ratchitt, where he has been attending to two ladies of questionable repute. It is then that the orc horde of Gromraaz the Poet arrives to capture him and the ladies. 

The powerful jealousy Gromraaz has for Gromeo is no secret. Folk still tell of the time Gromeo seduced all of the womenfolk (if, indeed, such a term might be applied to female orcs!) of his family, causing them all to fall pregnant and to produce fat, lazy, disinterested children whose eating habits have brought Gromraaz and his household budget to its knees. Having extracted the truth about the children's father from his terrified family by threatening them with a Justin Bieber concert, he has since hunted Gromeo relentlessly, aiming to make the fat half-orc pay for his loss of honour.

But Gromeo is not the innocent young lover he once was - favoured of Nurgle, he is himself a mighty chaos champion and leads as chaotic a force as has ever been assembled in the service of chaos!

Now the coaching stop is a fairly opened minded stopping site, but even they can only tolerate certain types - and those chaos types are simply unwelcome. So, Gromeo has stationed all of the unsavoury things (that is, the things in his force more unsavoury than chaos goblins) in the lee of a hill not far away - just enough that they can't be seen from the road or the coaching stop. Essentially, his force has been split in two - he and his chaos goblin bodyguard (more tolerable than any chaos creatures) in the coaching stop, with the remaining chaos forces just over the hill to the east. 


Deployment will be as follows:


The orange building represents the building where Gromeo and the two ladies deploy. Gromeo's chariot starts in base to base contact with the building, so chaos player may chose to start with Gromeo in his chariot, if desired. The three units of chaos goblins may deploy anywhere within 6" of this building.

The remainder of the chaos force must deploy 21" to the west of the building Gromeo starts in, and 18" from the northern table edge, in the lee of the hill. They may deploy within 8" of this point, but must not be visible to the coaching stop.

The Chaos forces of Gromeo deploy first.

The Orcs & Goblins may choose to deploy in any (or all) of the northern, eastern or southern deployment areas (as described in the diagram).

War machines start off table and may move onto the table in turn 1.

Victory Conditions

Standard Victory Points will be used to determine the winner, however, there are some objectives which are worth focusing on:

Orcs & Goblins
  • +200 points for each 'lady' captured (there are two). 
  • +400 for Gromeo captured
  • +200 for destroying the ladies' home (the orange building - destroying this means they won't come back!)


Chaos
  • +200 points for each 'lady' who escapes the table (see Capturing the Ladies, below)
  • +400 for Gromeo escaping the table (any table edge)
  • +200 if ladies home still standing at the end of the game


Capturing Gromeo

Gromeo will be captured if:
  • he is reduced to 0 wounds and carried off the table. The carrying unit must (by adding their Strength stats together) have at least 24 points of strength (so 8 goblins would be required, but only 6 big'uns, for instance). Mounts do not count do the strength score. The same applies to friendly units 'recapturing' Gromeo.
  • he is routed off the table and the pursuing unit is able to remain in base contact with him. The pursuing unit must (by adding their Strength stats together) have at least 24 points of strength (so 8 goblins would be required, but only 6 big'uns, for instance). Mounts do not count do the strength score. 
  • Units 'carrying' Gromeo will move at full speed if they have 36 or more points of strength, half speed if they have at least 24 points of strength. They will not be able to carry Gromeo if they have less than this figure. Units unable to move may remain stationary whilst they wait for reinforcements, but will still count as having captured Gromeo, unless he is rescued or they flee. 
  • Any unit carrying Gromeo who fails a panic or rout test will drop him and flee as normal. 

Capturing the Ladies

  • A lady will be captured when the capturing unit moves into base to base contact with her.
  • Any unit carrying a lady who fails a panic or rout test will drop her and flee as normal. The lady will be free to move as normal from her next movement phase. 

  • Before the game starts, but after deployment has completed, the Chaos player (who will control the ladies until their capture) must randomly determine which table edge the ladies should leave by. This should be done in secret - the Orcs & Goblins player should not know this information. This can be done by hiding the roll and writing the result on a piece of paper, or better yet, through the facilitation of a games master. 
  • Both ladies must leave via the same table edge - it is not one edge for each lady.
  • No victory points will be gained for killing the ladies - they must be captured. 
  • No victory points will be gained if the ladies are not captured but have not yet left the table, or have left the table via a different edge to the one randomly generated. 

Forces

Both forces are sized at 3000 points.

The historical battle occurred between Chaos and the Orcs & Goblins (using the lists described below), but could reasonably be fought between any two forces). To reduce the difficulty for the Chaos player (playing Gromeo), players may wish to reduce the attacking force (in this case, the Orcs & Goblins) to 2000 points.

The Forces of Chaos


Gromeo's Host of Grandfather Nurgle


Gromeo - Level 15 Half Orc Chaos Champion & General
  • Light Armour
  • Double-Handed Axe
  • Heavy Chariot drawn by 3 Giant Wolves
  • Chaos Attributes/Gifts: Immensity, Musk, Fear of Blood, Regeneration, Enormously Fat

7 Chaos Warriors of Nurgle
  • Heavy Armour
  • Double-Handed Weapons
  • Banner
  • Chaos Attributes: None

3 Trolls - Slalem, Huggles and Toothless

28 Plague Skeletons - Led by Brian Maiden
  • Light Armour
  • Shields
  • Hand Weapons
  • Banner
  • Musician
  • Champion (Brian Maiden - Level 10 Hero)

35 Plague Skeletons - Led by Alex Cooper
  • Light Armour
  • Shields
  • Hand Weapons
  • Banner
  • Musician
  • Champion (Alex Cooper - Level 10 Hero)

Roland Stones' Command (Chaos Allied Contingent)

Roland Stones - Level 20 Chaos Sorcerer & Allied Contingent Commander
  • Chaos Armour
  • Chaos Steed
  • Chaos Attributes: Stupid, Hypnotic Gaze
  • Spells: (LEVEL 1: Summon Undead Champion, Zone of Life, Summon Skeletons, Aura of Resistance, Enthuse, Ignite Missiles. LEVEL 2: Mental Duel, Raze, Aura of Protection. LEVEL 3: Cause Cowardly Flight, Animate Sword, Cloak of Darkness)

10 Chaos Dwarves - Led by Jack Sabbath
  • Heavy Armour
  • Double-Handed Weapons
  • Banner
  • Champion (Jack Sabbath - Level 10 Hero)
  • Chaos Attributes: Poisonous Fangs

1 Chaos Dwarf Bazuka
  • Heavy Armour
  • Hand Weapons
  • Chaos Attributes: Powerful Legs

20 Chaos Goblins - Led by Ben Jovey
  • Shield
  • Hand Weapon
  • Bow
  • Banner
  • Champion (Level 15 Hero - Ben Jovey)
  • Chaos Attributes: None

20 Chaos Goblins - Led by Jeff Leppard
  • Shield
  • Hand Weapon
  • Bow
  • Banner
  • Champion (Level 15 Hero - Jeff Leppard)
  • Chaos Attributes: None

20 Chaos Goblins - Lead by Jean Daye
  • Shield
  • Light Armour
  • Hand Weapon
  • Banner
  • Champion (Level 15 Hero - Jean Daye)
  • Chaos Attributes: Weapon Master, Powerful Legs


The Orcs & Goblins


The Ambush Party of Gromraaz the Poet


Gromraaz the Poet - Level 25 Orc Hero & General
  • Wyvern
  • Light Armour
  • Shield
  • Lance
  • Hand Weapon

Ed - Level 25 Goblin Hero
  • Giant Wolf
  • Light Armour
  • Shields
  • Hand Weapons

Wuzzbad Da Green - Level 20 Orc Hero
  • Shield
  • Heavy Armour
  • Hand Weapon

Thuumsting - Level 15 Orc Hero - Battle Standard Bearer
  • Heavy Armour
  • Hand Weapon

Dimgrotz - Level 15 Orc Wizard
  • Double-Handed Weapon
  • Spells: (LEVEL 1: Summon Skeletons, Cause Animosity, Wind Blast, Steal Mind, Flight, Aura of Resistance. LEVEL 2: Hand of Dust, Aura of Protection, Steal Magic Power.)

Gilwotz - Level 10 Orc Wizard
  • Hand Weapon
  • Additional Hand Weapon
  • Spells: (LEVEL 1: Hand of Death, Strength of Combat, Leg Breaking, Flight, Aura of Resistance.)

Skurkub Chatterbox - Level 5 Goblin Wizard
  • Double-Handed Weapon
  • Spells: (LEVEL 1: Summon Skeletons, Steal Mind, Fire Ball.)

20 Boyz - Wuzzbad's Ladz - Led by Wuzzbad Da Green
  • Shields
  • Light Armour
  • Hand Weapons
  • Banner
  • Musician

20 Arrer Boyz - Da Red Hunters
  • Shields
  • Light Armour
  • Hand Weapons
  • Bows
  • Banner 
  • Musician

20 Stickas - Da Noze Biters - Led by Dingle
  • Light Armour
  • Hand Weapons
  • Short Bows
  • Banner
  • Musician
  • Champion (Dingle - Level 10 Goblin Hero)

34 Gobbos - Skummwaaz's Skummbags - Led by Skummwaaz
  • Shields
  • Hand Weapons
  • Spears
  • Javelins
  • Banner
  • Musician
  • Champion (Level 15 Hero - Skummwaaz)

10 Snortas - Da Blue Moonz
  • War Boars
  • Light Armour
  • Shields
  • Hand Weapons
  • Banner
  • Musician

1 Orc Battle Chariot
  • Light Armour
  • Hand Weapons
  • Scythed Wheels

20 Bigunz - Darksunz - Led By Uglutz the Unwashed
  • Light Armour
  • Shields
  • Hand Weapons
  • Additional Hand Weapons
  • Banner
  • Musician
  • Champion (Uglutz the Unwashed - Level 10 Orc Hero)

30 Stikkas - Blood Moonz - Led by Skurkub Chatterbox
  • Hand Weapons
  • Short Bows
  • Banner
  • Musician

3 Trolls - Ed's Trollz - Led by Ed

5 Goblin Fanatics

2 Spear Chukkas - The Twangaz
  • Orc Crew
  • Hand Weapons

1 Orc Stonethrower - Da Crusha
  • Light Armour
  • Hand Weapons