2016 - The Year of Mediocrity

Hi.

Happy New Year, I guess. 

Better late than never. I mean, if you wait long enough, it will be a new year somewhere, right? Now that I think about it, maybe you should check your ego at the door - its entirely possible I wasn't talking about your calendar...

Like many, I got around to a little contemplation, in the fashion that only new years get one to do.

I though about world peace. I thought about cancer. I thought about losing weight. I thought about where I might get some new weight to replace the lost weight. I thought about family. I thought about my spiritual existence.

And I thought about this blog.

Now the thing that has been plaguing me about this blog, which I didn't realise until 2016's round of contemplation, is perfectionism. The desire to do the best possible thing, for the most impact, with the highest quality. 

"Perfectionism?" I hear you bark at me. "PERFECTIONISM?"

"Maybe if you suffered from a bit more perfectionism, Skullzinschitte would be finished. New figures would be painted and we wouldn't have to look at the same bloody figures repurposed purely through the awesome power of narrative. What we're thinking, Gaj, if we're honest, is perhaps a little bit MORE perfectionism!"

Well, I didn't mean it quite like that. What I mean, is that I tend not to get around to posting updates here, because I don't think I've done enough work to deliver a quality post. 

To deliver something you'd actually like to read. 

So. 

Perfectionism. 

That son of a bitch. 

I intend to combat it. I could hardly leave you here with this explosive revelation and then just wander off, my mind at ease. And whilst I can't promise to slouch over to Blogger once a week to deliver a casually sub-standard post, I'll do my level best to try. 

2016 is the year of mediocrity. 

Huzzah!

So what I have is pictures of unpainted lead. Very low bar today. One has some greenstuff on it.

This paunchy fellow is called Mancrates. Mancrates* popped into existing when discussing an unusual contact from Man Crates (an organization that sells crates for men, a situation devised entirely to relieve the millions of crateless men out there, or alternatively, to supply a unique gift that men have to break in to) over on the Oldhammer Facebook group.

It was, in fact, Captain Crooks, from the Antipodes and Funky Wenis Rodeo, that created our fat philosopher. I'm fairly sure that his honorific of UN Ambassador of Awesomeness will be coming through any day now. Captain Crooks', that is, not Mancrates, who is a tiny static pewter figure and whilst singularly amazing in my eyes, probably falls far short of the requirements to become a UN Ambassador, which are vast and diverse. Captain Crooks will certainly have his work cut out for him.

Look, the back of Mancrates. I am thinking of putting a small cat on his base too.

As part of my commitment to low quality, imperfect posts, however, I will not include a picture of the cat, but rather, just let you imagine the thing.

Next up, is a Mummy on a Manticore. It is my opinion that every fashion conscious mummy should get one - it is absolutely the must have accessory of 2016.

Look - it's not even finished being sculpted yet! Hows that for low quality, eh? I'll be putting something under those feet soon. For now, just wire. Pure, imperfect wire.

You might recognize the candidate Manticore as the visually defective creature that Dieter von Helsnicht uses to get around. This one:

And another angle. Because you really need to appreciate this...

....manticore.

Anyway, I've repositioned limbs, I've cleared out all the lead between the teeth and the claws, I've removed most of the mane and started to re-sculpt it so that it doesn't look like a cat that's just discovered a cucumber sneaking up on it.

The main element for me is the considerable learnings I'm making around green stuff. This is the first time where I've used green stuff in stages, to build something up and then have to come back to it once that base is dry.

I always thought sculptors were special people, but I have  a whole new respect for them: sculpting is hard!

Now if one was to present their 3rd edition oldhammer credentials to me and propose that, outside of narrative being king, that Mummies are not characters and therefore don't have access to monsters to ride and the fact that they're stupid when uncontrolled and can't actually choose manticores in Warhammer Armies anyway, so stop being a dick, Gaj, I guess I'd have to agree.

Mummies cannot 'officially' (hah!) ride Manticores in 3rd edition.

But they can in 4th edition...

Anyway. I'll just leave that there. Because I'm now an imperfect blogger who just leaves things lying around for no explanation. Why - yes, thank you - I appreciate your encouragement.

In other 4th edition news, I have also recently taken ownership of a shit-tonne (it was spelled wrong, which is probably why it was archived) of Skaven. I guess the box doesn't really tell the story, but the blister packs are 4 deep and there are loose skaven above and below them too.

I am also nursing interests in 4th edition High Elves and 4th edition Orcs and Goblins. Over and above my 3rd edition High Elves and 3rd edition Orcs & Goblins. And the Chaos. And the Dark Elves. And The Empire. And, uh, Lichemaster.

I will get there.

No, really. I will.

So there we have it. Unpainted lead, half arsed plans, and not a single word more on Skulzinschitte. Coupled with that a dangerous fascination with Middle Hammer and The Red Era of the Cheerleader Pose declared publicly - a decidedly imperfect post indeed.

Welcome to Warhammer for Adults 2016 - The Year of Mediocrity**.

*Y'know? Like Socrates?

**It might perchance be that you already thought the blog was quite substandard and that mediocrity was the order of the day. In that case, prepare to have those experienced mined out and collapsed as we explore a whole new level of underwhelmingness. Look, I just made up a word!

Skulzinschitte: The Harvesters of Chaos

In our last post, we considered the glorious throng of the Doomlord himself, Dieter Helsnicht. In this next (but hardly final) instalment of our exploration of 4th edition, we cast our eyes to his hated enemy: Luther Vangross, Champion of Nurgle.

But then I realised something.

The name is a pun.

And 4th edition, as you may recall, is not about puns. Or wit. Or subtlety of any variety.

No. 4th edition is about SKULLS! And BLOOD! Oh, and SKULLS! No longer do our words stem from the subtle satire that can be generated from the world around us. Instead, they stem from the basic, banal, almost primal grunting of fantasy as told by thirteen year olds. Our words express intent, whilst still attempting to convey the sheer awesomeness and undiluted fantastical... well, fantasy. Thus, we append the names of monsters, or weapons and the verbs that describe their application: Axel Daemonpuncher, or Sir Chopfest von Deathcrunch.

Visceral. Unmistakable.

Awesome.

So let's revisit that:

In this next (but hardly final) instalment of our exploration of 4th edition, we cast our eyes to his hated enemy: Irongrind Dragonhacker, Champion of Nurgle.

The Harvesters of Chaos

Characters

Irongrind Dragonhacker, Champion of Nurgle (Chaos Lord)

Equipment: Nurgle's Cloud of Flies, Chaos Armour, Mark of Nurgle

345 Points

Count Mordrek the Damned (Chaos Lord)

Equipment: Sword of Change, Chaos Armour, Living Damnation, Shield, Chaos Steed, Barding

424 Points

Hornlust Sinbiter (Master Sorcerer of Slaanesh)

Equipment: Chaos Armour, Chaos Familiar, Mark of Slaanesh

Spells: Acquiescence, Slicing Shards of Slaanesh, Chaos Spawn

300 Points

Skullscreamer the Sly (Sorcerer Champion of Nurgle)

Equipment: The Chalice of Chaos, Chaos Armour, Mark of Nurgle

Spells: Shrivelling Pox, Miasma of Pestilence

211 Points

Regiments

6 Chaos Knights

Equipment: Chaos Armour, Shield, Chaos Steed, Barding, Standard

546 Points









8 Chaos Warriors

Equipment: Chaos Armour, Two Handed Weapons, Standard

288 Points

3 Trolls

Equipment: None

195 Points

4 Chaos Hounds

Equipment: None

64 Points

Note: Yes, the picture is from a different photo 'shoot' and there is no beastmaster for the unit. I, uh, forgot to take a picture of the hounds. 

 

Daemons

6 Plaguebearers

Equipment: Plague Swords

Spells: Stream of Corruption, Fly Swarm

Allies

Grom the Paunch of Misty Mountain (Goblin Warlord)

Equipment: Axe of Grom, Light Armour, Chariot, Niblit

257 Points

Goblin Chariot

Equipment: Scythes, Shields, Short Bows

87 Points

16 Goblins

Equipment: Short Bows, Shields

56 Points

16 Goblins

Equipment: Short Bows, Shields

56 Points

20 Goblins

Equipment: Light Armour, Shields, Standard, Musician

85 Points

Broggin Thicke (A Stone Troll, courtesy of that fine figure of a man, Airbornegrove)

Equipment: None

65 Points










Army Totals:

Characters: 1280 Points (41%)
Rank and File: 1093 Points (35%)
Daemons: 150 Points (5%)
Allies: 606 Points (19%)

A brief note on the selection of special characters:

Special characters. Surely one of the most important concepts introduced into the later editions of Warhammer. Whilst in 3rd edition, the thing that made your characters special was you, in 4th edition, the thing that made them special was Games Workshop. In some cases (say, Dieter Helsnicht), there was nothing special about them at all. You could recreate the character from the army list with exactly the same capabilities for exactly the same cost - they were only special because they had a name.

But in the list above, we see not just one special character, but two! Characters who have something that is not otherwise available in the army list.

One of a kind, one might say.

Apart from one or two (Grom and Eltharion, specifically), I must be honest: I don't like special characters. I really struggle to relate to the super hero like problem of all these one-in-a-bajillion type of characters all being alive and in the same place at the same time, with nothing to do with their amazing super powers than harass and frustrate each other over immature and frankly pointless schemes. I just can't see Nagash waking up to escort 120 skeletons on a patrol to see what Emperor Karl Franz is up to whilst on his morning stroll with his 130 strong body guard.

And I don't like Grom and Eltharion because they're special characters. I like Grom and Eltharion because they come with a narrative which creates an excellent backdrop for gaming a story.

But, because this exercise is objective, academic and arguably (semi) archeogaming, I felt compelled to include special characters, because they were so very exciting and new in 4th edition.

And also, I had the figures.

In the next post, I shall craft a reason for these two forces (and their epic super hero special characters!) to come together at the ill-fated hamlet of Skulzinschitte,

As if you needed a reason in 4th edition...

Skulzinschitte: The Dread Throng of the Doomlord

So the last time I wrote, I mentioned a battle report.

I know. I know.

It was all very exciting - in August. But now it's October, and your incessant inner monologue is probably voicing an opinion about those who chose to skip September. If it makes you feel any better, I began crafting this blog post on the 4th of September.

Still, in some circles, it is claimed that many things are better late than never. With the exception possibly of bullet proof vests and those little puke bags one gets on planes, I suspect the statement is otherwise true.

Don't mistake anything above for any variety of apology - it is not. But - an apology follows:

What you are about to see are two 'sets' of miniatures. Miniatures I've painted... and miniatures I've not. They are painted (if, indeed, that is how you choose to describe their coat) - we'll have none of that naked lead business here, what with being the respectable outfit that we are! What I mean to say is, I've not painted all the figures you will see.

Equally, I have no idea who has painted the things. I have acquired these over my collecting time and have always promised myself that they will be stripped and repainted one day. The day is coming soon, but has not yet happened, you see.

So, sorry. Some of the figures are rightiously fugly.

Nevertheless I thought it best to proceed with the various mismatched figures - because this is how Warhammer was for me when I was a kid. We could only afford a few figures or units each, so a whole army only came together when we all came together and collected our enamel encrusted blobules together for a game. Of course, none of us encrusted our blobules in quite the same way, so it was a beautifully mismatched affair.

Good times.

So, the army you are about to lay your eyes on (and, indeed, the vast bulk of the report), follows in that glorious heritage thick paint, scratched extremeties, goblin green bases and rudimenatary terrain. I'll say sorry, because it is a bit of an eyesore, but I believe I appeal to your inner child as we join together on this curious road down memory lane into the bizarre interior of Warhammer 4th edition.

Let us begin with the forces. In this post...

The Dread Throng of The Doomlord

Characters

The Doomlord himself - Dieter Helsnicht (Necromancer Lord).

Equipment: Chaos Runesword*, Staff of Flaming Death, Manticore

Spells: The Dark Mist, Summon Skeletons, Drain Life, Raise the Dead

725 Points

Dr Darkington-Blackness (Master Necromancer)

Equipment: Skeletal Steed, Barding, Staff of Damnation

Spells: Wind of Death, Gaze of Nagash, Vanhels Danse Macabre

334 Points

Oppa-ra (Tomb King)

Equipment: Blade of Leaping Bronze

150 Points

Ludwig von Bluddenskulls (Vampire Count)

Equipment: Dragonslayer

Spells: Hand of Dust

325 Points

 

 

Rank and File

Two Ghosts

Equipment: None

70 Points

8 Mummies

Equipment: Light Armour, Two Handed Weapons

392 Points

6 Wights

Equipment: Heavy Armour, Shield, Wight Blade, Banner, Musician

314 Points

20 Skeletons

Equipment: Light Armour, Shields, Spears, Banner, Musician

256 Points

20 Zombies

Equipment: Banner, Musician

88 Points

20 Skeletons

Equipment: Heavy Armour, Two Handed Weapons, Banner, Musician

276 Points

NOTE: There is a Wraith  in the unit:
Wraith

Equipment: None

75 Points

20 Zombies

Equipment: None

80 Points

Warmachines

 A Screaming Skull Catapult

Equipment: Screaming Skulls

74 Points

 Army Totals:

Characters: 1609 points (51%) ...This happened because I forgot about the wraith!
Rank and File: 1476 points (47%)
War Machines: 74 Points (2%)

*A brief note on the selection of magic items:

Now I know that there is an entire game that can be made out of just selecting the magic items for characters and units in 4th ed. I know that this is one of the elements that, if not handled in a responsible manner, could make the game absolutely unpalatable for players - I still remember coming across dread combinations that made me quake at the thought of engaging enemy character models.

In this case, I just randomly determined them. I randomised how many the army might have, then which categories they might have and then finally the items themselves. Once I had determined all the items for the army, I then allocated them to the characters and payed the points accordingly.

I found this approach meant that characters had a small choice in their items, but that the opportunity to have a 'killer combo' would therefore only be based on luck. I also reasoned this would be a good way to get some of the more obscure items out onto the field.

Before you ask - yes, I really, really did generate the Staff of Damnation randomly. Yes, I know. That was really, really lucky. It was.

On The Traversal of Points

I wonder if you get this sometimes: at one junction, you find yourself at, say, point A. Then, at another junction, you find yourself at point B. With me so far? Indeed. But then, when challenged on the subject of your traversal from point A to point B, you find yourself quite unable to explain. You recall the process, of course.

You're not an idiot, after all.

You just find that organising those memories into a cohesive structure is beyond the realm of man. That's because the snowball affect of one amazing idea colliding with the next amazing idea is so deceptively fast and powerful, it makes the Hadron Collider look like Playmobil.

Well, that's my excuse anyway. The point being, I cannot quite explain how I come to post about the thing I am posting about.

Okay?

Anyway, let's get started. We've recently moved house. Also, my wife is a counseller. These two facts connect, by virtue of us having a room in the house specifically dedicated to the business of counselling. The room is not ready for this purpose yet, because, like anyone who moves house knows, none of the furniture we've placed in any of the rooms is actually going to stay there.

But in the mean time, there is a room that isn't specifically serving a purpose. Equally, there's a set of trestles and a tabletop that just seems to be, y'know, hanging around. Finally, in the counselling-room-that-is-not-yet-a-counselling-room, there is a bookshelf with no books on it.

Eh? What's that? The way you've raised your finger seems to suggest that you are losing faith in my ability to connect this to Warhammer in some way.

Sit tight there, fella - I'm getting there.

Anyway, so a few synapses get together with a few other synapses, some of them had a little chemistry thing happen and before you know it - BAM! I'm playing XBOX. But AFTER that - well, I put together a place where I could play warhammer.

Like this:

Now, what you're looking at is four shelves from the bookshelf, spread out across the ridiculously thin tabletop (2.5 feet! There should be laws about this sort of thing!) mounted on the aforementioned trestles. Unfortunately, the bookshelf then ran out of shelves, leaving me with about 8" of gap on each side.

Enter Therapy Today!

...and also, Super Hot Sex. Now I know whar you're thinking. Title says Warhammer for Adults and I want to be a a little edgy and so just to keep the pundits happy I'd chuck in a little flesh.

Well I have two arguments for you.

1. All of the other literature that my wife has in the boxes waiting to get onto the bookshelf (whose shelves are now spread across the table) are NOT the exact same thickness as four copies of Therapy Today. No, not The Counselling Dictionary. Not Mindfulness. Not even that timeless classic, I'm OK, You're OK. I tried. As it turns out, there is just enough super hot sexual content to be the same thickness as the shelves from the bookshelf AND four copies of Counselling Today. Fortunately.

2. I appreciate the metaphor that I shall be playing Warhammer on a table made of sex books. Well, one sex book. How many sex books has your gaming table been constructed out of?

Exactly.

Anyway, look - trestles. I thought I'd show this because I raised the table right up to arm height, so one can stand and play comfortably.

I'm so nerd, I put my wargaming mat over a picture of a nice lady's buttocks.

...and then built a pretend village...

...so that I can push my toy soldiers around... 

...by myself...

*sigh*

 Did I mention my wife was a counseller?

*ahem*

So.

Anyway.

Let's get onto those pretend people, eh?

Looks like we've created a little village. Look at the villagers, just milling about their daily, village-y activities. Look, there's Wilfred, looking to get a cup of sugar from Katerina. Say hi to Wilfred, everyone!

The village (Hamlet, even?) wants a name. It was going to be Little Grump, but then something happened.

Hold on a sec whilst I pop out back quickly. Look at some more pictures of the villages. Won't be long!

Baaaack! Just a little adjustment, y'know...here.

Tadaaaaaaah:

But what's this? Is that...

Before.

RAAAAAAAARRR! I mean - After.

But Gaj! That's...that's... f...f..

What's that, poppet? What is it you're trying to say? "Fourth edition?" Yes? Is that what you wanted to say?

Why, dear reader - it is like I said above - you're not an idiot. No sir! Not at all.

Because what we have on our hands, boys and girls, is a Battle Report. Using the 4th edition of Warhammer Fantasy Battles. And awful 90s paint jobs (not mine either).

Eh? What's that? You had a question? The village? Oh! The village! Yes, of course - what did I change its name to?

Well, now that we're playing fourth edition, we have to start acknowledging heroic names and the prevalence of skulls and blood in everything. The village (and indeed, the whole battlereport) is now called:

Skulzinschitte.

You take care now. I'll see you all soon...