Battle Report: The Shadow of Koles Lorr - Turn 1

So, after much fuss, we're away. We're picking up pace now and continue to forge on into turn two, but here, finally, is turn one. True enough, these figures have been slowly making their way over the field for most of January, almost frozen in time, making this arguably the longest turn one in the history of Warhammer.

So, these are the forces deployed:

The dwarves have a technical term when describing this many orcs. It starts with 'F' and ends with 'uckload of the bastards'. Clearly, the dwarves have their work cut out for them.

As you may recall, we extended the first turn to Mr Blue (and therefore the orcs), being the newcomer and all.

The movement phase:

Remember, the dwarves had a much more restrictive deployment zone, so the slayers had to deploy in a  'deep' formation, in order to allow them to get moving as soon as the game started.

Anyone who knows anything about orcs, knows about ... that's right, boys and girls (hah!) -  animosity. That meant Blue started rolling dice before we even did anything. 

Animosity in 3rd ed is dramatically different to the later editions, in that it acknowledges that it takes two to tango. So, even if you only fail one test, you will have at least two units stopped and involved in the fracas. Fortunately, Blue failed one animosity test... 

***

"Ere - look at 'em all, poncing about on dere little piggies. Don't even 'ave a flag, do dey?" grumbled Botoks.

"Oo's poncing about?" Larlog asked.

"Dem!" Botoks jabbed his finger in the direction of Milliog's boar riders.

Larlog thought about the situation a bit. It seemed a little unfair to accuse them of not having a flag - he didn't have a flag either, now that he came to think about it.

Botoks continued. "No flag? 'Ow comes we gotta lug it around and dey don't?"

Larlog realised where Botoks was going now. "Its a prileva...er...prevail, well, its special to carry a flag, see? You're jolly lucky, you are. I bet all der boys wants to be like you!" Larlog beamed at Botoks, pleased with his inspirational flare.

Botoks didn't even blink before turning in the direction of the boar boys to yell. "Yer, see! I gots a flag and I'm special! Wot you got? Huh?"

***

"Just ignore him," growled Milliog.

"Aww boss!" Anthraks whined. "He's right! How come we don't got no flags?"

"I said, just ignore him! You don't wanna carry nuffin', ok?"

Anthraks glared at Milliog, before dropping his gaze and instead focussed it on the banner. "I wanna be special too..."

Milliog reached over and slapped him on the back of the head. Anthraks winced, not from pain, but embarrassment, as Larlog's Lashers laughed out loud at his fate. He could see Botoks waving his flag furiously at him.

"There, I hit ya, onna head. Now you're special. So shaddup about yer flag! Besides, look up front. You see dat?"

Anthraks followed the direction of Milliog's outstretched finger. The dwarf ranks were parting to reveal one of their famous war machines.

"You know wot it is? Men calls it 'cannon'. Now if you's got a flag an' yer wavin' it all about like Larlog's lot, wot do ya reckon will happen?

Anthraks stared at Larlog's lot as he pondered the question. Larlog and his boys had all stopped now, and were making motions that suggested Anthraks and his lot knew their boars intimately, and in a way quite unfit for decent orcs.

"Dey aint gonna see us, are dey?" Anthraks looked at Milliog. "Dey're gonna shoot cannon at Larlog, aren't dey? Cos of der flag. Dat's why we aint got no flag? Innit?"

Milliog nodded. "Now ya gots it! Let 'em wave dere silly little flag about, we'll see 'oo ends up 'eadless. Like Seesaw 'ere." Milliog jiggled the little skull about, making its jaw chatter.

"Er...well he ain't headless, is he?" Anthraks suggested.

Milliog looked at Seesaw, before shooting a withering gaze at Anthraks. "Don't you listen to dat nasty orc, Seesaw! You're as headless as der best of 'em!"

Anthraks sighed and adjusted himself in his saddle. He thrust his sword in the direction of the dwarves. "Right, boys - ignore Larlog's lot and get on wiv it!".

***

Larlog watched as Milliog and his boar boys looked away and started moving off. "Awright, Botoks. Dat's enough now."

Botoks was now pointing the flagpole at the boar boys, holding it between his legs , seemingly suggesting that his orchood was quite considerable, and something to be taken seriously by his passing colleagues.

"C'mon, you pig humpers!" he shouted. "Come get some!"

Larlog's boys all laughed at the provocation. Still laughing, Larlog put his hand on Botoks' shoulder. "Awright. Leave 'em be. We's got to get on. Let's be der bigger orc, now, okay?"

Botoks turned away from the boar boys, returning the standard to it's original upright configuration.

"Don't worry boss. I'm der bigger orc, alright..."

***

The Shooting Phase:

Shooting was relatively quiet. We decided that the war machines would not be able to fire in the first turn, which just left the missile units. Bad shooting all round, really,  but fortunately, the dwarves managed to get the first kill!

***

Hans watched as the bolt struck home. The orc's head snapped back, before the revolting brute collapsed. He noted with dismay, however, that none of the other Loane Rangers had hit any orcs. 

"What's up, chaps? That wall of green over there isn't a hedge, you know?" 

Clint Westwood looked at his crossbow. "I dunno, Hans. Something up with these, I reckon."

"With the crossbow? You've heard the phrase, right?" Hans' eyes never left the approaching orcs. "A bad workman always blames his tools."

"Nah, he's right," Flyn Teestwood said, nodding as he did so. "You saw all the bolts - all of them went high. And I'm only four feet tall, so when I say high, I mean high!"

"Look, just get your head in the game, okay? I'm not going to die out here for some bloody condiments, just because you lot can't shoot straight. Get your shit in order!"

Lint Eastward looked past Flyn and Clint, and adjusted his hat. "You alright, Hans? Seem a little edgy."

Hans glared at Lint. "Yeah. I am a little edgy, as it turns out! You'd be too, if you'd watched your colleagues skewering rocks and trees with their shots instead of those really, really close orcs, whose vitality and vigour should've been snuffed out fifty paces ago!"

Splint Ystwud patted Hans on the shoulder. "Come on Hans, take it easy, huh? Is this the retirement thing again?"

Hans grunted as he wound the crossbow back. "Yes. Turns out I don't want to die before I retire, so it abso-bloody-lutely is the retirement thing!"

Lint chuckled as he reloaded. "That the tea shop?"

The Rangers laughed. Splint hefted his crossbow and took aim. "Tea ShopPEE. There's a PEE on the end!" Hans shook his head and sighed. 

"Don't worry, Hans," Splint said, raising his own crossbow. "Once this is all done, well all pop down to laugh at you in your little tea shoppy. You'll be back in the army in no time."

Hans took aim for the orcs. "I'll be in bloody jail for shooting you lot, is where I'll be!"

***

There was no combat (first turn combat is possible in this game, because of the orc animosity), so we moved straight into reserves.

The Reserves Phase:

A rare and beautiful example of equal opportunity employment and inter-racial co-operation in the Orc & Goblin army:

The state of play at the end of the turn:

On to turn two!

***

Battle Navigation

Prologue

Meet the Contestants!

The Rules of the Game

Turn 1

Turn 2

Turn 3

Turn 4

Turn 5

Epilogue

Post Mortem

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